We have always had a pretty tight knit family. Lots of fun and support--not too much contention--but when Em was about fifteen things got a little more stressful. She wasn't as happy as she had been, wasn't so willing to share, wasn't so interested in being with the family. I felt like I was losing my tight bond with this sweet girl, quickly becoming a young adult and I just didn't seem to know the right things to say or do to get her to open up to me. One day driving to piano lessons (about a 30 minute drive)--the car was quiet and we were both caught up in our own thoughts. A girl's name popped into my head and I asked Em if she had seen her lately. After a long pause, she started telling me about this girl and of the choices she was making in her life--poor choices with alcohol, drugs, boys, lieing to parents etc. I was shocked! I couldn't believe that the things she was telling me were really going on in this girl's life and that my daughter was exposed to it. I was also surprised that she was telling me!
She paused and looked at me. I kind of think it might have been a test to see how I reacted. And in that moment, the most profound thing happened---I didn't say how shocked I was, I didn't start into my regular lecture about how important it was to not use alcohol, not get involved with drugs, not be alone with boys, not ruin trust with parents... I just said "What do you think about that?" I think I might have shocked her, it definitely shocked me. I know she was surprised to not get the lecture. She didn't say anything for a few moments and then told me how sad she was that this friend was no longer someone she could be around because of her poor choices. She told me how tough it was sometimes to be the "good girl" and how she wanted to do what was right, but worried about all the negative influences. She talked and I learned to listen. I nodded, showed interest and concern-but didn't comment. I felt like it was important for her to talk this through. She shared her values, which thankfully reflected all the things I had been teaching and talking about since she was a little girl. When we arrived at her lesson and she hopped out of the car, she said "See you later. Good talk mom." I didn't say much of anything during that "good talk" but I learned a very important lesson.
I'm not saying I haven't been shocked or that I haven't continued my "lectures" occasionally. I hope I have gotten better at it as I have mothered a little longer. The lectures aren't as long, or as loud, or as reactionary---but they still are topics that are important to me. I want my kids to know that sometimes there really are black and white decisions. But I am a better listener now. My kids are thoughtful and smart. A lot of what I have said has soaked in. But they also have their own ideas and thoughts and opinions---which I find fascinating. I like hearing what they think so I try to bite my tongue and think about my responses to them, so that they won't shut down or shut me out.
I have learned that the car can be a magic place to have a conversation. It is intimate without being threatening. You are sitting close to each other, but there is not a lot of mushy eye contact and you can control your emotions and reactions more effectively because you don't have to immediately respond. Also, no one can walk away, shut a door or leave the room when you are conversing in a moving vehicle.
Try out these six magic words. Try them in the car on your next drive somewhere. Learning to communicate effectively with your teen is an important step on the road to being an effective parent and building a strong family. You might be surprised at what you learn, maybe even some essentials!
With love,
Katie
